Many people have heard of the HORRORS of orphans failing to attach and bond with their parents...leading to potential problems. While it is true, this can happen, I want to share with you the process that is used to prevent this. This is what we plan to do for at least the first 6 weeks of our son's arrival home. It is not meant to isolate us or offend anyone....it is just the most important thing we can do for the well being of our son:
Homecoming stage. This is the initial phase of the parenting process. The rest is "a lifetime of love." The initial phase is key to future success. Child has had several separations - first from birthmother, then through caregivers, then into home of new parents. No time to securely attach (bond). It is critical, critical, critical that parents recreate a "pregnancy" stage, wherein child is held only by parents, kept physically close to parents (best to use front-carrying baby packs, all day if possible), touched and spoken to and encouraged to make eye contact - again, with parents only, if possible - so that child becomes attached and learns that parents are... parents. Not just caregivers.
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While bonding is important, we didn't find it necessary for ONLY us to hold her. We had the whole time in Russia-and we held her, played with her, fed her, bathed her, etc. I also took a "hip hammock"-a hip carrier that I used to carry her in around Moscow and Kemerovo. We did not take a stroller. When we arrived home, our parents met us at the airport and took us home. We did let them hold her for a minute. Actually, she was scared of them and cried. We found that she already had the "stranger danger" in her. She only wanted to be held by us. When we went to church on Sunday (three days after we came home) we put her in the nursery, where the caretakers hold the children if they are crying. She did great and only cried for a few minutes. She bonded quickly and formed a very strong attachment. My advice: I think it's OK for your parents and other family memebers to hold him for a second or a minute or two. However, I agree that you should be the ones to care for him (feed him, change him, comfort him, etc....) I don't know other people's opinions, but we read all the attachment books too and decided what we would do. She bonded with us in Russia-she bonded with me within a few days and with my husband on the very last night when he tickled her a bunch. By the time we got on the plane, she was bonded to both of us with a stong bond. Our friends actually allowed a stranger to hold their son. They were on the flight from Kemerovo to Moscow, and he was screaming. A Russian lady started speaking to him in Russian, and it soothed him. They then allowed this lady to hold him and comfort him. Not sure if that was the best idea, but he formed a bond with only his mom and dad. He is doing great today and has a great bond with them. You have to do what's comfortable for you. Depending on his age, he'll bond pretty quickly if he's young.
ReplyDeleteThe only case that I've seen where a child didn't bond is my sister-in-law. She was adopted when she was a couple of weeks old. My MIL claims that she doesn't feel like she ever bonded with Sarah. She says that Sarah would always push her away and not want to be held. I hold my MIL to blame because my SIL was a newborn. How do you let a newborn push you away?
That is the only case of a child and parent not bonding that I know of...and I know a lot of adopted children and families. Just relax and let it take it's course. If you're too obsessed with it, you may actually push him away.
Enjoy your trip! It's so exciting to meet your child for the first time. Wow, this brings back memmories.